I dont know what to do?

There is something called 'dharamsankat' in Hindi. A simpler word is 'duvidha'. Yet another is 'pashopesh'. All Hindi, the last one urdu.

In English we call it 'dilemma'. Simpler english calls it 'iffy'. OMG! I dont know what to do?

All these words define our life at some point of time. It is iffy for a few moments, we are in a dilemma for some hours, we have duvidha for some months, years... forever?

Well..... I have seen it varies from individual to individual. Indecision is not a genetically acquired trait, it is developed during coherence. During the time we are growing up. When we are forming our conduct codes- around that time we are also imbibing values which help us think straight. And be decisive. Unless it is a choice between the devil and the deep sea- then you have the right to be iffy!

It is commonly believed that we grow up too soon... in fact as soon as we are born we start growing up. And iffy starts to take hold. The older you grow, the more iffy you become. As a child you single mindedly want a chocolate. As you grow older, you start wondering if you really want that chocolate or if that energy bar is better for you? What if you have the Pizza, or what if you have the stir fry broccoli? Pizza or broccoli? Broccoli or pizza? What if I try drugs? Do I tell mother about my latest boyfriend? Will she shout? Believe me, the iffiness doesnt stop dogging us- it stays with us till kingdom come.More often than not, we decide its going to be pizza....and there are lots of things we do that we dont tell mom.

Some of us are more iffy than others! Some of us are confused. Yet others just walk around with blinkers. And why do we become like this? If we are not born like this, as I have so emphatically stated, then do we become so?

Wait a while, "khoy saa khoo".... we will find out when we have done with the various "duvidhas".

Let me try and tell you a story to explain another kind of dilemma- the dilemma that arises out of doubt.Will it? Wont it?

There was this little girl who would sit under a tree all day, with maple leaves in her hand.She would close her eyes and pick out one maple leaf at a time, and whisper, "will he?" "wont he?" alternately. She would throw away each maple leaf and when she ran out on them, she would just get up and pick some more, go back to her place under the tree and start her chant again. In school too, every free period she had was devoted to this- weekends she had no other work. She was eight. Can you guess what she was doing? I thought she had read too many Betty and Veronica comics where the two girls were perpetually wondering which boy loved whom! But she was too young for that?

I am sure you too have read all those "Archie comics" featuring "Riverdale High". It used to be food for growing up. We loved them and those little red hearts floating around the comic blurbs, and if I get my hands on one even now, I am glued to it. My children however, like to read "Tintin and Asterix" and maybe "Charlie Brown" too. Things have changed. Sadly and happily, both. The growing years have become more real, less dreamy. More practical, less emotional.Humor is wit, not slapstick!

Oh, and this is a digression. So we were talking about this little eight year old girl.

Then she grew up and soon was sixteen. Her habit of this "will he?" "wont he?" ritual stuck to her. She would still sit under the tree and close her eyes and keep on tossing one maple leaf and saying "will he?" then toss another and say "wont he?" After school, she would go home, have her solitary lunch and then sit in her patio and play the game again. When her mother would wake up from her siesta, she would find this girl tossing maple leaves and whispering. The mother would scold, and this 16 year old would just go to her room and pretend to read a book. She was sixteen- can you guess what she was thinking about?

One day, as she was just going on 21, her whispers changed. The maple leaves were the same, and she did close her eyes, but she whispered, "will I?" and then "wont I?"Clearly her priorities were changing; but her time under the tree was the same, and her introverted demeanour was also the same. Soon she was to be leaving for higher studies and then there would be no mother or father to scold and bring her back to reality. But she was still wondering about something, which is why she was always doing the maple leaves thing.

And at 40, she was still doing it. Will he? Wont he? Will she? Wont she? Will I? Wont I? By now, she had a family and her son and daughter were teenagers already. Her husband was a successful lawyer and they lived in style. But the maple leaves? They continued. When she could not find maple leaves, she used straw, grass, toothpicks, whatever.

And now I come to my point- how many of us go through life doing this?

How many of us have done this since childhood? And why?

I do believe, this habit starts young.

By the way, allow me a small digression here too. The 8 year old girl's name is Melanie- I name her so, because in my favorite novel "Gone with the Wind" written by Margaret Mitchell, there is a girl called Melanie. If you have read the book, you will know her character. For those who havent, she was very pretty, very popular with the boys, not much liked by the girls because she was so feminine, very weak willed and the whining type. She proved herself strong when all the world went to war and her husband was also away fighting. She went out and helped her war ravaged country with great dignity.But she was always whining. That novel has had such a lasting impression on my mind; I was probably 14 when I read it for the first time, and since then I have re read it at least four times more. I can read it again now. Melanie has a heart shaped face; I now associate all heart shaped faces with indecisive minds and hearts of gold. And I love those bold flashing green eyes that belonged to Scarlett, the lead protagonist of the novel, who was the most stubborn girl in the entire novel. But she knew her mind, and believed in herself.She got what she wanted.

So, at eight years, the little girl was wondering whether her father would get her a chocolate when he came home from work; at 16 she was playing her game with the maple leaves just to divine whether she would meet the boy she had a secret crush on. At 21, she was still wondering whether she would be allowed to go to college in another town. And at 40, she is wondering about so many things; husband, children, parents, in laws, friends, relatives, workplace, maids, suppliers, all. She kills herself fretting about her son doing drugs; she worries herself sick about her maid not reporting to work; she goes crazy thinking about her daughter dating and not telling her... oh my god, she is a wreck!

This is actually causing so much stress. We are always wondering; we are always not sure. So we are always sweating, if-fing, but-ting, getting nowhere.

In the name of sanity, can we teach our children (and sometimes our adults too) to know their minds? Their ifs and buts would become that much less. And our tensions too would decrease significantly. Maybe they would not listen to us all the time, which might pain us... no parent likes to be overruled.

But lets think about the oh-so-legal term, "benefit of doubt..."

We are not always right, and there is not one right and not one wrong; so whats the harm in giving a long rope after explaining the pros and cons? Dont you think its a good way of getting them to think straight? And to move towards their goal, faster?

Detaching them from what 'I the mom' thinks is right, and moving them to what they think is right? Basis whatever they have learnt from 'I the mom' ? I, for one, feel proudest when my child makes a decision on his own and its a sound one. It may not be what I want, but if its good for him, I am sure its good for me. At times, I do know that he or she has taken a wrong call. Then I step in to rationalize and buffer the impact. The communication channels are open between us, so its easy for the children to come to me and say, "hey mom, I need help. I dont know what to do!"

You now know why we had to wonder about the pizza vs the broccoli? Because we were not sure whats good for us.

Suggest we teach our children whats good for them, and then send them out in this big round world. My heart says if they know what they want, they will seldom go wrong.

Suggest we also figure out our lives and learn what is required to make it happen, rather than waiting for the maid and the dhobi.

Why whine? Why if? Why not "why not?"

Help yourself to useful information, take things as they come, apply your knowledge and make decisions, hand over the traits to your offspring. Let them thrive. Grow. Decide. Achieve.They see you, they learn.

And then sing my favorite song "que sera, sera, whatever will be will be."